I cannot find my penis.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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