shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
