The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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