So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I would ride that face into the sunset
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
