i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
