My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
