too bad you live with your parents still
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
