I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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