It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Girls should come with a carfax report
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
