I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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