I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
