I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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