how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
