just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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