this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
