im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
