my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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