I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
