the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
you never un-have a 4some
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
