The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
