even my farts smell like vagina
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
