I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
