While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
