i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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