Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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