Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
