I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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