I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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