It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
