hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
