You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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