At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
