there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
