First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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