She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
