im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
