Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
