Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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