my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
