Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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