I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
