Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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