I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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