i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
