I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
