the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
