just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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