Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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