She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
