yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
