I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
