mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
